thoroughly convinced there is a Mommy Hell.
And in the middle of that Mommy Hell there is a pit, where the worst Mommies ever are thrown.
Today, I believe I earned my place in that pit when I sat my 12 year old, unsuspecting daughter down and told her that I was going to be dying. The moment when comprehension of what I was saying sunk in, and the look that she got on her face will haunt me for a bit.
I patted her on her shoulder and comforted her, all the stuff you're supposed to do, but I had hurt her, and I had to make it better. So I told her that we would go down to Build-a-Bear and build her any Bear she wanted, outfit, accessories, the works. And for this special bear, I was gonna record my voice, so she would know I was gonna be with her all the time.
That brought my baby's smile back. Yes, I'm still gonna die. But I'm gonna keep her has happy as I can until then.
Cuz that's what Mommies do.
Maybe I'm not in that pit any more. Maybe I'm just at the edge. . .
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You are not a horrible mother. You told her the truth, you are trying to help her deal with it. A horrible mother may have tried to hid it and let someone else deal with it later. It probably felt horroble, but you are trying to do the right thing. I can not even imagine. /hugs I wish I could hug you in person.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like you are horrible now, but she'll appreciate the level of communication when she's older. She won't resent finding out that you knew what was going to happen and you didn't let her get blind sided. She can prepare and so can you.
ReplyDeletemore hugs from me too!
You rock as a mom. I can't imagine the strength to do this. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing. You are anything but horrible.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, I'm so sorry to hear of this news. I don't think you are a bad mother at all. I think helping her prepare is a very good thing to do. Maybe seeing if you can find a kids book about cancer may be a good resource for her. Explaining what it is, as I'm sure she has lots of questions. Letting her ask any questions she has will be a big help too.
ReplyDeleteMaking sure that every day is amazing and you will live forever in her heart.
I think you did the right thing. But at 12 it is hard to really truly understand what it means. I think even at 20 it would be really hard to understand. We love you and are here for you any way we can be.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Stephanie.
ReplyDeleteThe teddy bear was an amazing idea. She will always have a part of you with her.
One of the worse things about a death is not getting a chance to say goodbye but not only will she be able to say goodbye but she will have these memories of your time together. *hugs* You are loved.
Consider starting to write to her. Do you think you can do that? Write her letters with the intent of someone giving them to her later.
ReplyDeleteI wish I was closer so I could come up and take portraits of you two together.
Gigantic hugs.
Spend as much time with her making memories together as you can. That way she has something to hold onto. I like the idea of writing her letters to hold onto as well. Get pictures taken so she will have them even if with disposable cameras and 1 hour photo processing. These things she will treasure as she gets older and you are gone from her life.
ReplyDelete